01 12 / 2011
wearing my hair in a bun today has once again proven that i should never get a boy haircut.
16 11 / 2011
jorts
i’d like to talk for a moment about jorts. with summer behind us, this can be discussed with a clear mind. jorts, or jean shorts, are a summer staple for the truly fashionable. these denim sexies feature a well-crafted inseam and a finely tuned hem by a professional in a (wrangler?) factory somewhere. paired perfectly with a nascar/looney tunes/fine liquor or malt beverage logo emblazoned on one or more sides, jorts can easily take you from professional days to wild nights.
what you need to know about jorts is that the sole intention of their creation was to be shorts; therefore, my dedicated and responsive readers, cutoffs CANNOT be considered jorts. when you cut a large portion of the legs off a pair of dungarees, THESE ARE NOT JORTS. they started as denim pants and are now shorts. jorts are born shorts, friends. a raw hem does not a pair of jorts make.
cutoffs are for rebels, free spirits, the untamed. jorts are for contemporary casuals; for business-oriented sharp shooters with an agenda. jorts scream, “hey, world. i’m here, and holy smokes, am i put together!”
let’s all agree right here and right now that jorts are crafted to keep you breezy AND chic. dungarees? well, i think we all know without saying another word.
09 11 / 2011
i am wearing a shirt that i had put away last winter. i haven’t washed it since then, so it has a slight smell. that’s what perfume is for.
03 11 / 2011
i spelled acquainted wrong in the last post, and probably other things, but i pressed send before going back and checking my spelling/grammar. i’ll take a grade of B- on this one for sloppy work.
03 11 / 2011
today a girl wouldn’t move her luggage from the floor of the three-seater i was trying to sit in on the train. the overhead compartment was available for stowing said parcel. i climbed over her shit to sit betwixt this dame and a nice guy, who remind polite when i kneed him while scaling the aggro crag. i am wearing a pencil skirt, and i’m pretty sure at least 37 passengers are now well aquainted with the sight of my crotch. at least i’m wearing tights… the shiny black ones.
24 10 / 2011
classy days in sweatpants
today i am wearing a day glo pink workout-type jacket with huge red sweatpants. these colors go together both nicely and appropriately. sticking with the same theme, my fingers are tinted a reddish orange from doritos. my toe nails have remnants of hot pink polish from when i painted them three weeks ago. the tee shirt underneath my form-fitting jacket is gray and is baggy, which really accentuates my “curves” (a.k.a. rolls). i air dried my hair and this is my first day of feeling somewhat normal after 48 hours of stomach bug, so that’s the overall style i’m rocking. i look like a crimson vagabond. you’ll be seeing similar looks (namely those in various shades of caca brown) on the runways this winter.
07 10 / 2011
"nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, except most mexican food, most italian food, chicken fingers, spicy pickles, broccoli bites, burgers, reese’s, thanksgiving, my mom’s chocolate cake with chocolate frosting, cookies when they are gooey in the middle and crispy on the outside and are made with butter, 99% of flavors from ben & jerry’s, good quality chocolate, pizza, roasted garlic, other roasted vegetables, rough cut french fries with malt vinegar, jalapeño poppers, really good salad bars with exotic items, most pumpkin-based foodstuffs, kettle cooked potato chips, the utz family of snack products, funny bones, nutella, and smoothies, just to name a few"
07 10 / 2011
faker
i like to fake dresseduppedness by wearing a pearl necklace with a basic black cotton tee. keep your sass regarding my accessory choice to yourself, please, because this is a very important fashion blog read by fifty zillion families across the eastern seaboard.
today i am wearing said vintage pearls and black american eagle v-neck tee with a stretchy cotton gray and black striped pencil skirt from the same fat teenage girl store that i talked about last time. i like shopping there because it is the only time in my entire life that i fit into sizes 0 through 2. i don’t legitimately care about the size on the label of my clothes as long as they fit, but how hilarious is it that a 300 pound* gentle giant is a size 0? *rough, possibly inaccurate estimate
my tights are black h&ms and they come up to my natural waistline. the hole forming in the crotch is still tiny after four hours. praise the lord! a great surprise for me this morning was finding out they’re super shiny. a visual: i’m waiting backstage at my recital for my jazz dance routine to “poison” by bel biv devoe (now you know). these shinies look fly with my orange day glo leotard, dance-grade day glo green spandex overalls with one strap dangling in the breeze, a great pair of capezio jazz shoes, and a big puffy hat reminiscent of lisa “left eye” lopes of tlc fame (rip, girl). what i’m saying is, these tights look great in real life.
the best, most fashion-forward part of my look is that i’m wearing my black toms. the conflicting shades of black add so much depth. i don’t own a pair of black flats right now because the universe has decided that now is not the time for me to own a good pair of black flats.
i may delight your eyes with a photo. hoo boy, what a lucky day! we’ll see where the day takes us.
05 10 / 2011
fashion plate entry #1
i spend a lot of money on my fancy work wardrobe, which you’ll notice as you’ll read along. here’s what i wore today:
too short, too boxy new york and company blue short-sleeved sweater with weird applique along the neckline that looks like too much feces in a toilet bowl, purchased during a buy one, get one 50% off sale
black with black leopard print skirt from torrid, a store for fat teenagers, sans belt that keeps the skirt in place (it’s too big around the waist to accommodate my large bum) because i forgot it existed
black lace tights from h&m that do not stay up due to the lack of belt
iridescent black/blue cl by chinese laundry flats with some weird frilly bullshit on them, purchased on clearance and with a coupon from dsw
